Los deseos del último caballero

En una bodega de lujo repleta de hombres bien vestidos de la variedad de negocios, hay una celebración en progreso.

“Felicidades Davey, ¡salud!”
(Gafas tintineando)
“¡Aclamaciones!”
“¡Bien hecho Davey!”

“Así que Davey, ¿qué sigue?”
“Sí Davey, ¿qué sigue?”
“¿Qué será lo próximo para Davey? Más bien, ¿qué queda? ¿Tengo razón? Tiene una esposa guapísima, hijos adorables, y acaba de convertirse en socio de la firma … ¿Qué ahora, Davey?”

Davey pensó por un largo rato y respondió:
“Pues, nunca lo pensé realmente, tengo todo lo que … pensé que quería”.
“Oh, cielos, Davey, ¿qué quieres decir con ‘pensó que querías’? Tienes todo lo que un hombre podría desear”.
“Sí, eso es lo que quise decir”.

Después de la fiesta terminó; Davey le pagó a una prostituta para que le caga sobre su pito y lo convirtiera en un pastel de barro. Entonces, con el olor a la mierda todavía fresco en su pene, se colgó en su garaje mientras acariciaba su polla sucia hasta que murió.

Todos los horribles sentimientos que había estado llevando a lo largo de toda su vida finalmente desaparecieron.

Dad Solo

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Doris spent a rare evening at home alone without husband or family. She took some time to organize her pantry, penned a letter to her sister overseas, drank some wine and watched a film on netflix. As she was drifting off to a peaceful rest on the couch, her eldest daughter Samantha burst through the front door, slammed it behind her and threw herself into her mother’s lap wailing.

“Oh Mother, you won’t believe how awful it was.”
“What was awful Samantha? Your date with that handsome young Jason?”
“He’s not handsome at all mother, he’s loathsome, positively loathsome, I hate him!”
“Oh heavens I’m sure it wasn’t that bad Samantha, have a seat and tell me all about it”

Samantha regained her composure and told her tale:

“Well, we were in his car and…He kissed me mother, my very first kiss.  It was everything I’d hoped for mother, I thought I fell in love the very moment his lips touched mine, and then…..then mother, he stuck his hand up my skirt and put a finger in my ass! Oh, dear god mother it was 2 knuckles in, possibly 3!…i didn’t know what to do, or say and before i knew it.. his big ol’ dick had made its way into my asshole. He fucked it deep and uncorked a piping hot load that gushed out like hot clam chowder onto my legs and pussy. Oh dear god mother, there must’ve been at least 2 gallons, I just want to die. I never want to see Jason again and my ass-hole is ruined.”

Mother chuckled and told a tale of her own:

“You know Samantha, your father and I saved ourselves for marriage.  Hell, everyone did in those days. Imagine my surprise when on our wedding night he told me a woman’s worth should be determined by the width of her gaping asshole. He brought a speculum to our wedding bed and pried my ass open as wide as he could because he said he wanted to, “see what was going on up in there.” and that he couldn’t wait to, “Dump a hot one down my Sarlacc pit.”

“Oh mother that’s horrible! What in God’s name is a Sarlacc pit?”
“Oh it’s just a Star Wars thing that looks like a giant gaped asshole. Here I’ll google it on my phone, here it is, see? That’s a Sarlacc pit.”

“I guess that does look like an asshole, Hmmm. Mom? What’s Star Wars?”
You’ve never seen the movie, Star Wars?
“No, any good?”
“Yeah…it’s the best.”

Davey’s Deluge Of Dilemmas

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At an upscale wine bar stocked with well dressed men of the business variety, there’s a celebration in progress.

“Congrats Davey, Cheers!”
(Glasses Clinking)
“Cheers!”
“Well done Davey!”

“So Davey, what’s next?”
“Yeah Davey, what’s next?”
“What’s next for Davey? More like, what’s left?Am I right? He’s got a smokin hot wife, adorable children, and just made partner at the firm… Where do you go from here Davey?”

Davey thought for a long moment and replied:
“I’ve never really thought about it, I have everything that I…thought I wanted.”
“Oh heavens Davey, what do you mean, ‘thought you wanted’, you have everything a man could ask for.”
“Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

After the party ended; Davey paid a streetwalker to shit on his cock, turn it into a mud-pie. This huge BBW laid a real slimy #2 on his johnson. With the smell of shit still fresh on his dong. He put his head in a noose and jerked his grimy cock off till he died.

All the horrible feelings he’d been carrying around his entire life finally disappeared.

King Harold’s Glorious Reign

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The Mighty King Harold awoke punctually  at 6:00 AM to his 3rd mistress sucking on his morning wood and his 5th mistress tonguing his scrotum and asshole. Just as Harold had arranged with the help of his atrusted manservant Davey the night before. The king’s schedule was very regimented in this manner. He dropped his nut in mistress #3’s mouth at 6:05 on the dot. Both mistresses shared his regal load, cumswapping it back and forth several times before #5 swallowed the lot. They promptly left the king’s chambers

King Harold rang his bedside gong and Davey the Manservant entered, with a mustache on his face and servitude on his mind.

“Yes my king.”
“Come hither Davey, there’s much to be done today.”
“At your service my lord.” Davey stepped forward, producing a notebook and pen from his suit pocket.
“Today I will accomplish something no king before me dared dream.”
“Oh, my your excellency, that sounds splend-”
“Silence!” The king reproached
“I have two words for you.” The king motioned Davey closer.
Davey leaned in.
“Double prolapse.” The king whispered gravely.
“Most impressive my lord, and how may I be of service?”
“Schedule a bath for 6:15, and at 6:25 punctually, send in mistress #216.”
“Will there be anything else, your excellency?”
“Yes, have my kingly scepter brought to the bath at once.”
“Ahh, which one me lord, the one with the diamonds or the one with the rubies?”
“Diamonds of course.”

And now the story progresses as we find our king fully scrubbed in the royal bathtub, stroking his 10 inch royal cock in a very regal manner, like a handmaiden polishing a french parisian banister.

#216 enters on schedule wearing nothing, sees the king’s hog and takes it deep into her mouth without prompting.

After exactly 5 minutes of oral the king gets 216 on her hands and knees, and fills her ass with his dick and fucks it very hard. Then, he stuffs his kingly scepter into her pussy-hole for the full DP experience. She moans as she feels the diamonds affixed to the scepter hitting her g-spot.

Her moans increase in intensity, indicating she’s about to blow. The moment her pussy begins to squirt, the king shoved scepter and cock into their respective holes as deeply as the holes would allow.

Then the King pulled dick and scepter out simultaneously, so fast that it created a vacuum and the King achieved what he’d aspired to his entire life. Harold looked down upon the much coveted double prolapse he’d induced. Her guts were straight falling out of her pussy and half her colon was blossoming from her anus into a beautiful rosebud! He jizzed roughly 2 litres of cum all over her exposed internal components. Then, he casually grabbed the base of her pussy guts and rosebud, one in each hand, and propped his foot on her ass, pulled back hard in a rowing motion and thrusted  her ass with his foot, she fell dead into the tub while he was left holding the bulk her large intestine and all of her pussy parts that fell out.

The king did the double prolapse trick every morning for the next 25 years.

So let’s see, 25 years times 365 days per, equals 9125 mistresses
Times that by 2 to get the total number of prolapses
A whopping 18,250!

To this day, 500 years after his reign, no one has even attempted to beat The Mighty King Harold’s prolapse record.

I hope this tale has inspired you to chase a dream you’ve always wanted to follow.

Rygar Jones Saves Humanity

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In the year 25,000 B.C.

Humanity was on the brink of collapse due to ineffective breeding strategies.

Fact is, cave women had poor hygiene and bearded faces. Ish. So to breed, the men would jerk off in their hands and finger the cum into girls pussies as they slept, to avoid spending time with them. This resulted in a stiff decline in population.

That and the plague. It was ravaging the entire planet. Sparing few.

But there was one man…named Rygar Jones who was about to change the world forever.

Rygar Jones assembled a seven man team. They stockpiled supplies and quarantined themselves in a cave to escape the wrath of the deadly plague.

It was there Rygar proved to be a visionary. The first of his kind. He led seminars, sharing his philosophies on the necessity of breeding. He taught the men meditative techniques to visualize a woman without a beard, to allow them to fuck those that had beards.

After 18 months the plague was gone and Rygar Jones led his men in the charge, stoked to cream pussies.

Rygar saw the first bearded woman and his men knew that he had dibs because he called it back in the cave. They watched and cheered Rygar on as he gave the world’s first cream-pie while in the first ever pile driver position, which he also invented.

He shot over a gallon of jizz inside her and another two gallons sprayed out onto her face from her pussy because it was so full with Rygar’s large cock and cream-pie. As he blasted her with 18 months worth of hot semen, he screamed, “Be Fruitful and Cream-piiiiie!!!!”

Rygar’s seven man cream team did just that. They bare-backed and cream-pied the entire world.

Saving humanity.

Einstein’s Posthumous Breakthru

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Your super string theory…
It perplexes me
I found my ding-a-ling theory
With some ecstasy

I take the volume of loads
That I’ve jizzed in an ass…
Divide by my proclivity
To tolerate sass

And the answer I get
Is always the same…
Proportionate to the number…
Of pussies I’ve tamed

Suzy’s Home Crisper

fresh-cucumber-carrot-juice
Suzy woke up…
Thirsty for cock
Shed some tears in a cup…
And fired up a rock

Cuz her man left her
And she
Was missing him…
She raided
The crisper
Got some produce for her quim…

She,
Stuffed it to the brim…
With fresh
Cukes and carrots
She forgot about him…
To focus on the merits

Of a healthy diet…
Some exercise…
And every man’s bias
For anal creampies